I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
