Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
