Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
