i think my mom watched the whole time
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
