he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
