I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Randomize
