Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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