When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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