Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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