that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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