Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
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Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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