Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I think my moral compass just broke
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
