Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
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I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
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When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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