Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
