My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
