I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
