im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
