My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
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new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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