not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
as a side note pls kill me
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