dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
