Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
