you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize