I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
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