Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
