We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize