and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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