Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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