I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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