Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
