Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
