I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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