On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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