I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
