wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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