Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
