Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
