Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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