I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
