I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
