i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
