remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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