just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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