the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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