How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
