Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
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gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
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