Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Randomize
