I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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