i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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