Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
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Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
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I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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