So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
