I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
