He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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