people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
