yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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