Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
