Screwed.edu
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
