It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
